3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
when I was a toddler I couldn’t sit still on my first airplane ride and the flight attendant’s response was to simply take me into the cockpit to bother the pilots
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.