3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
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I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
early stone age tool
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
he’s doing your taxes
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”