3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.