Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.

I’m sorry what now?!

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”

For the record Tom is just a friend.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

damn he’s good

All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.

You can only regret what you remember.

-Tequila

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!

Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few