3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
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*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating: