3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
You Might Also Like
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I have two kinds of followers
Children of the corn 🌽
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.