Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

Me when I’m ovulating

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

[fancy restaurant]

me: this has a fine oaky taste

sommelier: sir is eating the cork

I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”

A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.

[bakery]

Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!

Me: Definitely not happy tears

Him: What?

Me: What?

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

[grocery shopping]

ME: oooh my back just cracked

5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans

I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

[Shopping for Deodorant]

I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.