3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
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coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes