3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
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If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Person: Home decor is a niche market.
Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
British people
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.