Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[middle of a heated argument]

Him: I’m leaving you

Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles

Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.

Same kid, same.

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

*first time seeing a musical

“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.

-first day of algebra class

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids

Me: oh no

Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while

Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now

Food gives you energy to nap more.

Hallelujah started playing at church today

Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song

Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

Not recommended for beginners.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

CUTE JOKE ALERT!

the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.

CUTE JOKE OVER!

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.