3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
You Might Also Like
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
October already? What’s next? November????
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.