3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
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The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!