3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
This was my dad’s browser history.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*