3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
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You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.