3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I might carry a baby with one hand.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.