3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?