Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.

#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌

american computer: would u like to enable cookies

british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

The internet is magic sometimes.

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen

do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.

Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens

Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

You know what sucks about Karaoke?

Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth

Wife: Hey can you-

Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.

Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.

I hope this email punches you square in the face

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more