3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
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Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
everyone should be able to film one family Thanksgiving they can show to people to explain why they’re the way they are
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
White parent Vs Arab parents
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.