Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.

I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”

I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.

You’d better have a great day today

Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

[making out after date]

Her: Should we go back to your place?

Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.

Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?

BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?

TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

only kind of dinner drama i approve of

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.

It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department

👽