3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
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Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
when you are just born a rebel
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?