Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.

Pick it up.

M: *hands you back your baby*

Aw, is he getting too heavy?

M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.

*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.

If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me

My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.

The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy