Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Her: So do you like hash browns?

Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?

Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.

telling a musician “great content tonight, man” after their set

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.

Me: Hiatus?

Girlfriend: I hate us too.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Ways that I am superior to dolphins:

– Am not afraid of being on dry land

– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet

– Faster at replying to emails

– Know more about the causes of World War 1

– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net

Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.

I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.

Bonfire is French for “good fire.”

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.