3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
set yourself free xox
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.