3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.