3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
They did not think through this water fountain
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors