3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
“What?”
– Jude
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.