3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Been fired from my job in the sewer. Twenty years down the drain.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle