3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
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[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
they should create new variants of dopamine
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM