Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling

me: this is bullshit

*from jacket* this is bullshit

Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?

Pharaoh: i actually love this

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

Never tell your electrical engineer parent you want to be a transformer for Halloween.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

relationship goals

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

Me: what’s the weather like?

Mom: just open the door and find out

Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768