3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.