Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.

no one:

not a soul:

my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM

Invisible Hands Adam: shit

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Welcome to your 40s.

Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵‍💫

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.

It was a tampede.

paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”

Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled

Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.

Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant