3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
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I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
“Seize the day!”
No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Uh oh…
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”