Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy

My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here

No. He’s not coming out to play

Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.

ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?

Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

coworker: how was your weekend?

me: sucked, I had to move

coworker: you sold your house?

me: no, my wife made me get off the couch

“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”

Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?

*the sky turns red and warm*

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: I don’t even know why I exist.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction