3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
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Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.