Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again

I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.

I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people

wtf management?!

Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*

Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.

Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.

murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed

me: just changing the oil

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”

[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*

Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?

Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.

⛽️ 🦫

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???

Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately

“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”

Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.