3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
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Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Print is alive and well!!!
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.