Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available

Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time

Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress

A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

husband: help me choose a baby name.

me: ok, but shouldn’t we go with an adult one?

Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste

BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

her: I don’t feel like talking

me: uh oh, is it me?

her: not at all, I’m having a hard time

me: uh oh, what did I do?

her: no no, a family member died

me: uh oh, did I kill them?

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine

Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?

~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.

He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs