3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Me when I try to be useful
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move