3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
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*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE