Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

*At demonstration

*grabs megaphone – stands on car

‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.

Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

GOD: They scared enough?

ANGEL: Not yet

GOD: You got Trump running?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Hurricane?

ANGEL: Yup

GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

ME: and what are we going to do next time?

7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard

M: and for you?

7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911

*slides note across counter*

Cashier (whispers): No problem.

[over intercom system]

“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

Black Friday “markdowns” like

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”

Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

Uglier.

Angel: But, sir…

I SAID UGLIER!

– God inventing cycling outfits.