(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
I gave up going to work for lent.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method
Friend: what the hell does that mean
Guy: we ratatouille the horse
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.