3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.