3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
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i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend