Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her

BOSS: you’re an hour late

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.

The nerve of some health experts.

🌱🌱🌱

Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends

Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

that lip filler tho

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?

He replied….chicken.

Thank god he is good looking.

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways

I’m going to remember this night forever!!!

Tequila – You sure about that?

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program

ME: I’ll do it

FBI: Your wife and kids too

ME: Never mind