3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
You Might Also Like
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know