3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
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“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
never forget
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My dad teaching me to drive
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?