3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
My fantasy football season is going great
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Rambo Rambow
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?