Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows

Women’s version: Body Soap

Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast

But that’s none of my business

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?

therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good

hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone

If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.

So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.

Always remember…. A mirror never lies.

(Fatty)

Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want

Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday