3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.