3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
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My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.