Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”

HR reminds us to proof read before sending

When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?

Me: Yes

Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-

Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel

Her: what

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.

I am not a smart woman.

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

I disagree with my politics

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me

When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!

#curvyissexy

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*

My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances

my dad has had enough

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine

Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.