Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Me: How are you doing?

4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!

Me: Same though.

My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated

I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

When someone cries, “No one gets me”

I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards

cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy

“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”

I don’t think you will….

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75

Me: I need a vacation by myself.

Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.

My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”

Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks

KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!

I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.