3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
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“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Ha
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed