3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
