3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
this made my day 😂
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Me: ok, you boys need a break from screens, I’m taking you to the playground.
My sons: Sure, can we just finish this YouTube video?
Me: *checks* You are 11 mins into a 2hrs 30min video!
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
