3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
forgive me baja for i have blast
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Writing, She Murdered.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
