3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
