3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
You Might Also Like
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
#dalle2
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.