3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
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If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.