3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
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No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*