Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.

My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.

Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars

No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes

I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

Oh yeah that’s it

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.

*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*

I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…