Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

you have three unread messages

Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

next question.

ah yes….my favourite videogame

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave

9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

Twitter :

Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.

idk what he going thru but i feel him

Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day