Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

They’re the worst 😩

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare

[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*

McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.

me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime

wife: omg battery?

me: about 90% but focus

When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.

One kid asked, “does he bite?”

“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.

So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

BETRAYAL

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.