Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

Harry Potter Diss Track

Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?

I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

scared to check what name she chose

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

[on date]

Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.

Her: I think I’ll have a steak.

A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]

[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]

ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Ghost hunting is just an excuse to hang with the fellas in the dark

ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.

Passport agent:

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️