Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…

Like a playa

Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.

My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day

Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

Hot Fuzz; Sea mine

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

Me: you know what’s sexy?

Mirror: no

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.

Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*

Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.

[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

At least my masseuse has my back.

Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair

I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Calls for kids: Nobody responds.

Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.

Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.

My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

23. the denim jacket

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968