*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
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[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
😂🖐️
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.