*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
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Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her