Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

An escape room, but it’s trying to find a specialist in your network who is less than 147 miles away.

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

hmmm

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.

My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.

What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?

2016: imagine the worst case scenario.

2019: no, not like that, worser

(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!