Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

Revenge served cold

Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc

[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs

Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.

I’ll eat when I’m dead

– zombies

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.

I’m going bananas!

*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.

Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard

Date: What are you thinking about?

Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich

*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”