Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

We need more people like this.

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

Wife: cuddle?

Me: ok

Wife: I mean with me

Me: *with my teddy bear* right

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

Nurse: You can come inside now.

*Stands up*

*Dusts off jacket*

*Straightens bow tie*

*Fastens cufflinks*

*Ahem*

“That’s what she said”

Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.

when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up

Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide

Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!