Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

Donkey Kong sommelier

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute

Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*

3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall

Me: oh dear god

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

You’d think wearing a hospital gown in a pharmacy would insure prompt service, well I’m here to tell you kids, it does not.

“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”

– if people were named like pets

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.

ME: this mask should give me the best protection

SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95

My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey

the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.