Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you’re brothers?

mario: that’s-a right!

me: which explains why you dress the same

luigi: that’s-a right!

me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?

mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

me: I’m unable to stop making jokes

doctor: you can’t be serious

me: that’s right

Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”

Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”

[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Draw me like one of your French Fries.

When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.